this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
