I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
As shirtless as possible
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
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