I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
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