sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Randomize
