i would give spencer pratt a bj just so i could bite his dick off
he'd just find a way to get more famous from being a eunich.
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
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