I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
