my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
