Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
