I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
Randomize
