Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
no more duck duck goose at the bar
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
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