Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
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