Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize
