I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
Randomize
