remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
did he really ask u insert a warm banna in ur anal?
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
MIDGETS
????
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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