Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off