The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
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