you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
You pole danced in your parka.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
seriously though if NH has the largest penis size... the rest of America must be very disappointed.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
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