New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Such a big mess for such a small penis
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