What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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