I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
