I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
