i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
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