just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
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