what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
