She's JV to your varsity
Kenny Powers is just a normal guy with exceptional hair
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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