Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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