she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize