Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
