why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
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