Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
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