I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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