I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
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