Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Vodka?
Forever.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
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