So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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