I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
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