how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
I am debating about my sub. I am not quite sure I can be the dom he needs.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Randomize
