We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
