smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
40s are totally the cure
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
I need a hoe opinion
go on
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
Randomize
