My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
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It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
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I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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