I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
foreskin is a definite game changer
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Randomize
