He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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