New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Randomize
