the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
Randomize
