if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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