Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Randomize
