If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
Randomize
