you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize
