so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
Just pee around me
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
After tacos, we're chasing women.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Randomize
