i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
I think I won the penis lottery.
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
