Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
Randomize
