sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
