A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
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