Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
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