Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
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