I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
Randomize
