Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
